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Old 06-30-2008, 07:30 PM   #1
mihoshi
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Exclamation an overlord's wedding

this is a story i just tried to do awhile back before i joined the air focre. its not finish but i would like to see what you think of it.

Disgaea: hour of darkness
An overlord's wedding

In the grand castle of the new overlord, Laharl, a question is brought to Laharl that will change the nertherworld forever....

Laharl: W, W, WHAT!!! What did you just say?!
Etna: you hear me right prince you must get married inorder to stay the overlord, so who's it go to be?
Laharl: i, i don't know and why in the hell are you asking me like that it's not like it's going to be you.
Etna: find, but you need to get married or else.
Flonne walks into the room...
Flonne: hi everyone whats going on?
Etna: Laharl is getting married.
Flonne: ......HUH!!!!!!!
Laharl: n, no im not and besides who am im going to marry huh?
Flonne: w, well how about me?
Laharl: what!?

With a calm gaze, Daemon studied his Master Laharl carefully. What a petty job this was. Not only was Daemon himself humiliated enough to be the Overlord's second pupil, but now he would have to help the demon get a fitting bride...simply pathetic.

A sigh escaped his lips before he exited the throne room and made his way towards the stores. They had the usual junk, nothing special. As he turned to speak with the demon whom called the senators to court, a small little creature bumped into him, causing him to trip and fall onto his backside. A few demons around the room laughed at him, causing a blush to come to his face. It was always like this...he was the second pupil...he wasn't very strong...but his speed was unparalleled. In battle he could move his way around the toughest opponents and dodge their attacks enough until he could find a way to defeat them.

To these demons however, his colleagues, it didn't matter...he was just a lowly demon. He got back up to his feet and forgot about talking to the senators, they wouldn't allow him to enter a promotion fight anyway. They would merely laugh at him, as all the other demons did. If only they could see his speed on the field...but no one cared....no one cared...

Motoko, a female Samurai and Laharl's first pupil notice the group of demons laughing at Daemon. Motoko is a grand demon who everyone knows, her skills are immeasurable and acts as a big sister to Daemon, she is called Lady of The Blade.
"What is all the laughter about?" Motoko says as she walks up to the group of demons who all became very quiet. "N, nothing Lady of The Blade we were just um telling a joke and Daemon fell over laughing" one of the demons say nervously as he helps Daemon off the ground. "Is this true Daemon?" "....y, yes it is" Daemon response sadly. "Ok well I have some time off from my training and if you don't mine may I shop with you?" Motoko ask with a smile. "YES! Um please." Daemon says with great delight.

A blush covered his face as the demons gave him a glare, though Motoko's eyes didn't see it. Perhaps he was just bothered too much by what the others thought, but it sure didn't help when they tried to pick on him. Daemon had tried to model his Samurai skills after that of Motoko's, but he just lacked the power behind his blade.

Though he was worried about what the demons would do to him later, he smiled and said to Motoko quite graciously, "T-thank you, Miss Motoko..." He wasn't sure if she'd know what he was talking about, so he finished, lying about it, "About wanting to shop with me I mean..."

As he and Motoko were at the counter to the shops, Daemon questioned with curiosity, "Why does our teacher need so badly to marry? It seems highly unnecessary to me, plus he's just a kid...well...technically speaking in demon terms..." There was something much more important he wanted to ask, so he did, "And..." Daemon whispered the rest, "...have you heard if we're supposed to be moving out soon or not? I'm dying to fight something..."

Motoko looks at Daemon with a smile and says "you are so eager to fight...which is fine for me, when we get to the castle I'll see what we can do ok."o,ok" Daemon says happily.

................
back at the overlord's castle, Motoko notices Flonne with an uneasy look in her face. "Daemon if you don't mine going on to the report room without me real quick I must talk to Lady Flonne for a bit if that is alright with you?" "Oh, ok I guess I could" daemon replied and went off to the report room. "What is the matter Lady Flonne? You look sadden" Motoko says as she walks besides Flonne. "Oh, Miss. Motoko! I, it's nothing I'm just um..." Motoko inturpes "is it because my master is getting married?"H,how did you know!" Flonne says surprised. "Oh come on Lady Flonne I can tell that you are in-love with my master, it is written all over you face" Motoko whispers "well it's true that I love him, but I don't think he feels the same nor have any feeling about me..." Flonne sadly whispers " well he is a demon and the overlord, but I think my master is to shy about it he just too scared about the whole marriage thing, thats all" "i,i guess your right Miss. Motoko, thank you I feel better now...oh if you don't mine me asking who do you love?" Flonne whispers quickly Motoko quickly blushes to the question then finally whisper it to Flonne *mumble* *mumble* "W,WHAT!!!" Flonne shouts out loud.

Daemon, twiddling his thumbs, awaited the arrival of Motoko and the others. The Overlord was sitting in a chair a mere few feet away, but even though Daemon was his pupil they rarely spoke to each other. It was an unspoken thing between them; the both of them were aware that the other didn't have anything to say. However, it was different on this day, and Laharl surprised Daemon by searching for words, "So...Daemon..."

Seeing as Laharl himself had something to say, so do Daemon, "Let me guess, you're worried about who to marry."

"W-w-what?! Are you crazy?! No! Love is sickening!"

"Yeah, yeah, you put up a big front there as the Overlord, but you won't have that title for long if you don't find someone to love...though I have to admit that there aren't many choices for you." Daemon smiled as he thought about it, "The only choices are Miss Motoko, Miss Flonne, and Miss Etna."

"And since when did one of my vassals start calling all girls 'Miss'?"

"Since I learned a little thing called respect, look it up sometime."

"Y-you're asking for it now!"

Daemon grinned as his flustered Mentor tried to seem serious. In a moment, the pupil replied, "I know...but I know you won't do anything...and I owe you the same."

Laharl averted his gaze from Daemon and said, "...Whatever..."

"Come on!!! You're the Overlord of all Demons, at least for now! Smile a bit!" Daemon shouted to change the mood of the conversation.

"The Overlord does not smile!!! That's like a Zombie Demon not eating flesh!"

As Laharl finished, Daemon rolled his eyes at his Mentor's stubborness, "Well...the others should be showing up soon."

Then there was more unspoken silence, as it usually was between them.

Adre watched Laharl the Overlord from his post ontop of the castle. "So he has to get married ey?"" Adre snickered. He quickly pulled out his Rune sword and went to the main entrance of the castle. Slamming his sword into the door, he watched as it splintered at his powerful touch.

Etna met up with Motoko and Flonne out side the throne room. "So whats up?" Etna asked " oh nothing Lady Etna just wondering if Laharl will fall for this plan" Motoko whispers "oh you mean the plan to see if Laharl loves!......." Etna and Motoko cover up Flonne's mouth before she can finish. " Don't screw this up just yet if he finds out then we won't know who he really lov..Um I mean like so be quiet ok" Etna whispers angry at Flonne "ok,ok sheesh ok lets go" Flonne says as she starts to open up the doors.
"Well it's about time you guys take forever" Laharl says impatiently " sorry master we got more information from the prinnies that a demon name Vulcan is planning an assassination
on you..." Motoko says as she bows to Laharl "W,WHAT!!!!! How dare this Vulcan guy try such a stupid attempt! I shall kill him without a second thought!!! Muhahahaha...." Laharl yells, but Motoko interrupts "um you mean her sir" "huh?" Laharl stared blankly "um yes Sir Lady Vulcan of the shadows" "you got to be kidding me! Let me see the picture of her!"
"Geaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!!!!! Y,you got to be kidding me sh,she's so damn sexy aaaahhh!!! Quick take this picture and send it too the eternal flames of hell before It burns out my eyes!" everyone starts to laugh but tries to hold it in. "oks then let's get this over with....


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Old 06-30-2008, 07:31 PM   #2
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Daemon, for a quick moment, pulled Laharl aside, away from the others, and asked, "Mentor...would you like me to sneak inside alone, just in case I can find something else about this voluptuous mistress?"

"Did you just SERIOUSLY use the word 'voluptuous'?!" The Overlord shouted in surprise of his underling.

"Well, uh, yeah..."

"That's it! You are no longer worthy of being my pupil!"

"Oh come on! I mean you have to admit that woman is a real looker!"

It was fair to say that the others could hear their conversation quite easily what with the yelling.

"Looker?! Oh that's it! If she's so hot why don't you marry her, half-wit?!"

A blush came onto Daemon's face, "But...I'm just a mere pupil. How could I ever measure up to her?"

"You're supposed to be a demon! Demons don't have thoughts like that! Gees! If not for your speed I'd have left you here for good long ago! Now don't bug me!"

The boy glared at his Mentor, now about ready to strangle the so-called Overlord. "Fine...don't expect me to save you on the battlefield when things get hectic..."

"Who said I ever expected you to do anything?" Laharl asked in a mocking voice, now with his back turned to Daemon.

If not for the fact that all the Demons in the castle would kill Daemon in heartbeat if he touched the Overlord, he would've just taken him down in one fell swoop. However, he restrained himself. Usually Laharl and Daemon were quite calm-tempered between each other, despite the fact they rarely talked, but the one thing that had burrowed under Daemon's skin was the fact that Laharl himself had just treated him like all the others...a worthless Demon who couldn't do anything right.

The two of them again made their ways back to the others. Daemon's eyes were boring holes into the back of Laharl's head with despite.

Adre walked calmly into the great castle whistling, "Well what have we here?" he said in an evil tone. He smiled as he came out on a gigantic courtyard, with a pond in the middle and a statue on it. Adre walked over to the statue and smiled, then punched its head off.

Skurai appeared at the castle, "so this is where the overlord lives," he said with a mean look in his eye. He looks down quickly after hearing the sound of something breaking "well, well," he said with an evil smile "the famous Adre the mercenary my first target on the list I guess I'll find out if that sword he has isn't just for show," with a mean look in his eye Skurai follows the mercenary waiting for the right moment the strike.

Adre smiled as he demolished the statue, "So where's the famous Laharl?!" he yelled. A crunching noise was heard behind him and he smiled, then walked forward smashing down another pair of doors and heading further into the large castle.

Skurai still following the mercenary "tch..... is breaking things all he knows how to do" he says with a ninja star in his hand "All well a target's a target "with that in mind Skurai throws the ninja star and prepares to draw his sword.

Adre's hand moved quickly and he caught the ninja star, then turned around and threw it into the ground. "You have to do better then that, assassin!" he said as he brought his Rune Sword. Runes on both sides of the sword lit up and a dark aura came around Adre.

Laharl and his group head for the gate keeper except Motoko who senses the two intruders.
"What is it Motoko? Is something wrong?" Laharl ask with interests. "n..no it's nothing, you all go on I must attend to something" Motoko says then darts off "huff whatever now let's go" Laharl eagerly says.
As Motoko sprints towards the intruders her demonic aura grows as quick as lighting, Then Motoko reaches the doors and quickly burst through them. KABOOM!!!!!!!!! The two intruders were Adre and skurai fighting out in the court yard, Motoko with a great shock realizes that the kaboom was the destruction of her room!!!! For several thousands she had her room the way she wanted it now it's gone. A great blackish red aura suddenly warps around her, her eyes shining bright red with anger, the ground benether her cracks violently. This gets the
attention of the two fighters, Motoko draws her Muramasa blade that glows a tainted red. "Y,YOU WILL DIE!!!!!!!!!!!" Motoko roars in a demonic voice and then darts towards Adre and Skurai.
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Old 07-03-2008, 09:30 AM   #3
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:/ I could have swore it posted my response to this. Anywho, I liked it and think you should post the rest of this story.
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Old 07-04-2008, 11:58 PM   #4
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I liked it as well. Some things you should consider:

Starting a new line every time a different character speaks as to avoid confusion.

Spelling and grammar (You don't really have to, it's just blowing my mind)

You don't capitalise the letter "t" in "the" unless it is at the beginning of a sentence and what not. It does not get capitalised in a title.

Other than that, wonderful! :cD
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Old 07-06-2008, 04:45 PM   #5
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I think the spelling and grammar is better than most stories I have read. As for Cim's suggestion about starting a new line when a character speaks, I agree. It will also make writing easier on you. Or at least, it does for me.
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Old 07-13-2008, 12:46 PM   #6
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I like it . . . continue so I can see what happens! I just love it when people include me in their stories!!!
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Old 07-16-2008, 02:07 PM   #7
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Very nice job, I liked it a lot.
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Thanks to Icaras for sig ^_^
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Old 07-22-2008, 08:14 PM   #8
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thank you everyone and ill try those tip too.
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Old 07-23-2008, 09:21 AM   #9
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Keep us updated on how it's going.
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Old 07-25-2008, 04:16 PM   #10
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Yes, I'd like to know how this is going to end as well.
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