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Old 10-10-2011, 08:27 AM   #1
theroninguy
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Default Chaos Wars FanStory

Chapter 1 – A New World
“I saw this pillar of light in my dream. Yes, I had a dream of this pillar of light. It rises up beyond the clouds, beyond the sky, it quite unbelievable. I thought I was hallucinating, but all of it seems true. Above the sky is… another world. It has all things in it: islands, trees, and many more. Heh, I remember what my grandpa used to say. There is a world above the sky. There is a God living in there and if you pray that God, any wish you desire will come true. Or so my grandpa says it all. It is stupid, but all seems real and at the same time a dream…”
And that is what Hyoma, the hero of our story, thought. He was so curious about that weird dream of his. He thought of this all day.
“Damn, I can’t stop thinking about that stupid dream…” he said to himself.
Pause! CHARACTER PROFILE: Kusaka Hyoma ----->
Hyoma is a high school student, aging at sixteen (16) years old. His eyes are clear brown red. He is sulky, and does not talk much. He avoids problems as much as possible and does not care about it. Deep in his heart lays a good friendship. He just hates to admit it.
Aside from that, he can be very direct. He tells somebody what he really feels towards the person, but at certain conditions, he might be the exact opposite. His face is full of plasters, actually, only two plasters. One is on the left cheek, and the other on the right cheek. Nobody knows if it is just for fashion, but reflecting on his personality, he can be a punk sometimes. He also has a scar on his forehead. He got that when he saw someone being harassed by Yakuzas from a katana slash. Lucky for him, he survived.
-----
At last, he now came to Tsukioka High School, a school where in of all in Tokyo, only this school studies the Shinsengumi History of Japan.
“What the hell… classes will start again. How boring.” He thought.
He walked to enter the school through the gate. He headed straight to his classroom. When he is about to enter the classroom, very suddenly, someone jumped at Hyoma’s back and rode on Hyoma, more like of a piggy back ride.
“What the…?! Who the hell…?” Hyoma screamed in surprise, trying to balance his weight against the weight of the other person on his back.
“Good Morning, Hyomy!” greeted the other on Hyoma’s back.
“Urgh! That voice-! Damn it, Shizuku!” shouted Hyoma, cursing Shizuku, the person who rode on Hyoma.
Shizuku released after hugging Hyoma with big scenery.
“What in the world is your problem?!” Hyoma told Shizuku, “Have you gone mad?”
Shizuku giggled and greeted Hyoma once more, “Teehee, Hyomy, Good Morning!”
Pause! CHARACTER PROFILE: Shizuku ----->
Shizuku is one of the closest friends of Hyoma. She is very fond of Hyoma, and tends to call him Hyomy. She is fifteen (15) years old, and she likes color green. She likes green to the point that almost everything in her is color green: her hair, her eyes, and her set of clothes except for her school uniform.
She is nice, and strong. People are scared of her because of her so-called Paper Sword. Her Paper Sword is used to slap people the way she wants to. She is also fond of calling people’s names into a cuter form. Hyoma is an example of this.
-----
“Yeah… right. Good Morning.” Hyoma greeted back, groaning.
Then there came a cool-looking man and greeted them formally, saying, “Good Morning to you.”
“Oh, Hayaty! Hello! You are weird as always!” Shizuku told the man called ‘Hayaty’.
“Thou shall not call moi by that name! I am the mighty Hayatemaru! The one and only!” Hayatemaru shouted and made a pose.
“Tch. Crazy Bastard.” Hyoma commented.
Pause! CHARACTER PROFILE: Hayatemaru ----->
Hayatemaru is the friend of Hyoma who, too, is very fond of him. He also claims that Hyoma is his best friend. He looks cool, but that is just the looks. In reality, he is weird, stupid, and problematic in the sense that if he is present, any disaster would come any time around.
Hayatemaru is a fashion victim. He wears a scarf only for fashion use. He has eyeglasses but of no grade and lens. He also wears Japanese Slippers even when going to school. He likes comedy so much. His dream is to be on a comedy skit with Hyoma. Yeah, I know. He IS weird. He is often called Hayate.
-----
“I am not a bastard because I came from my mother!” Hayatemaru told Hyoma, telling a joke.
“Go home.” Replied Hyoma
“Don’t be so rude!”
Then Shizuku had something in her mind that made her excited.
“Oh! Oh! Hayaty and Hyomy! I have something to tell you.” Shizuku explained.
Both Hayatemaru and Hyoma became quiet upon hearin her statement, all ears to Shizuku. She stared at them and changed her mind because she forgot what she was going to say.
“Nevermind.” Said Shizuku, changing her facial expression into confused one
Hyoma made a deep sigh, a very deep one. At that time, the bell rang, which signals the start of their class. Hyoma is still bothered by the dream he had. He cannot get his thoughts off of his head, as if somebody is urging him to have that dream again.
Dismaissal came, still Hyoma is bothered. Finally, when Shizuku noticed Hyoma’s weird attitude during class, she asked if he is feeling fine.
“Hyomy, are you feeling alright? You look pale, and you are acting weirdly, too.” She asked.
Another girl, who is a friend of Shizuku got worried about Hyoma, too.
“Why don’t you go visit the clinic?” the girl asked, suggesting.
“Huh? Who’re you?” Hyoma asked curiously.
“Oh! Hyomy, this is my best friend Kosuka. Kosuka, this is Hyomy!” Shizuku introduced, very proud and lively.

--------------------------------------------------

This is the storyline I made so far. The story is just like the game itself, but I will improvise some. I hope someone cares... T-T
__________________
Dude.. I really like Red Mages..

--------
Like the Sand King of Chaos..

Time to bury some fools,
My tail, my claws,
Such good destruction tools!

My only way to live - KILLING
And enemies shall do my bidding,
But they go crazy, roll around, smearing.

I, the Sand King, will live forever,
But does that matter?
I will crush everything, As fast as the wind sever!


I am now AVERAGE! YES!!
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Old 10-10-2011, 09:49 AM   #2
ChiiKimono
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I care! D=
I like it so far. Looks like it'll get interesting.
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Old 10-10-2011, 06:35 PM   #3
theroninguy
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I will update the first post to a longer one. This will be a FICTION NOVEL. I think I am going to cry now that Chii cares.. WAAAAHHHHH... I am so happy...
__________________
Dude.. I really like Red Mages..

--------
Like the Sand King of Chaos..

Time to bury some fools,
My tail, my claws,
Such good destruction tools!

My only way to live - KILLING
And enemies shall do my bidding,
But they go crazy, roll around, smearing.

I, the Sand King, will live forever,
But does that matter?
I will crush everything, As fast as the wind sever!


I am now AVERAGE! YES!!
theroninguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-11-2011, 12:18 AM   #4
theroninguy
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And please tell me if I have some grammatical errors. And you can suggest some events you want to expect.
__________________
Dude.. I really like Red Mages..

--------
Like the Sand King of Chaos..

Time to bury some fools,
My tail, my claws,
Such good destruction tools!

My only way to live - KILLING
And enemies shall do my bidding,
But they go crazy, roll around, smearing.

I, the Sand King, will live forever,
But does that matter?
I will crush everything, As fast as the wind sever!


I am now AVERAGE! YES!!
theroninguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-14-2011, 08:33 PM   #5
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CONTINUATION!!!
“Kosuka, eh? You are quite pretty.” Hyoma told her, complimenting.
“W-What? Really?” Kosuka reacted, blushing and turning red.
“But then, you’re like Shizuku who has a paper sword or something. It only means that you are weird.” Hyoma said as a continuation on his last compliment, now into a spineless comment.
“WHAT!?” Kosuka shouted in surprise.
Shizuku comforted her, patting her back to calm Kosuka down. All of a sudden, Hayatemaru’s laughter was heard with a loud burst of sound.
“HAHAHAHA!! Oh my, Hyoma! You are the best!” laughed Hayatemaru loudly.
Hyoma and the two girls just looked at him with a bad glare. Kosuka slapped Hayatemaru with her paper sword in the face with a loud slap sound.
“Ow!”
“Don’t you dare laugh at me!” Kosuka told Hayatemaru, pointing the paper sword on his chin.
Pause! CHARACTER PROFILE: Kosuka ----->
Kosuka is the best friend of Shizuku. If Shizuku likes green, then she is into dark blue (not really that dark.) She is fifteen, just like Shizuku. She also has a paper sword, but of a different model than that of Shizuku’s. Kosuka and Shizuku have a lot in common, but Kosuka is more reasonable.
She can be gentle, she can be aggressive. Nobody will ever predict her actions right. That is one reason why she can be classified as weird. Shizuku and Kosuka are close friends, just like twins.
-----
“If I were you, I could have slapped that guy many, many times.” Hyoma said, urging Kosuka to do what he said.
“Humph!”
Kosuka crossed her arms and closed her eyes, facing away from both Hyoma and Hayatemaru as if she was trying to make Hyoma regret.
Not so long, there came another girl who has a short hair in Kimono, shouting and waving her hand to the group, “Hey! Hyoma!!”
The group looked at her as she ran towards them. Hyoma made a face as if he is not very pleased with the current situation.
“Hyoma! Hey!” she shouted again.
“No, not her again…” Hyoma sighed, mumbling.
Hayatemaru quickly frowned and said loudly to Hyoma, “Is that a friend of yours?? I didn’t know that.”
“Shut up you moron.” Trash talked Hyoma to Hayatemaru, “And remember that I am not your friend, troublemaker-doofus!”
Suddenly, while Hyoma was talking to Hayatemaru, the girl in Kimono hugged Hyoma tightly, holding his whole body.
“Holy mother of…?!” Hyoma continued to struggle his way out.
“Give Momo a hug!” Momo said it in a sweetly manner, just like what a girlfriend would do.
“You know her, Hyoma?” Shizuku asked curiously.
“Gah! Yes! She’s… Ugh!” replied Hyoma while touching something soft, and he realized that it was her boobs, and he felt disgusted, “Your boobs!!!”
“Oh~! So you are getting the hang of my boobs, eh?” Momo told Hyoma with a seductive tone in her voice.
“NOOO!!!” shouted Hyoma, still struggling until Momo released him from her grasp. Shizuku and Kosuka ignored the malicious event when they noticed something in Momo that they don’t have. And so, they asked Momo some questions.
“So you know Hyoma?” asked Shizuku.
“Yep!” Momo answered proudly.
“What is your relationship with him?”
“We are friends! Actually, he is my childhood friend.”
“Wait. How come your boobs are big??” Kosuka quickly asked Momo, halting the conversation between Momo and Shizuku.
Momo answered like everything is natural, “Uh… I really don’t know. Maybe it’s natural?”
“Ugh. Nevermind.” The two best friends said together, disappointed of the answer.
Momo turned her attention to Hyoma and asked, “Did you miss me, Hyoma-kun?”
Pause! CHARACTER PROFILE: Tokasa “Momo” Mimoshi ----->
Mimoshi is the childhood friend of Hyoma. She was so close to Hyoma, and this is why she is so sensitive when it comes to Hyoma. Hyoma is like her best friend who helped her so much in her life.
She loves cosplaying. Almost everyday, you will find her different, copying anime characters. She is nice, but she gets angry easily when she is emotionally hurt. She is simple, and very caring. Many people already attempted to use her in bad ways due to desires, but Hyoma always saved Mimoshi. That might explain Hyoma’s plasters, but no one knows. People get desires in her because she is beautiful, sexy, and hot.
-----
“Oh, come now… Don’t ask that.” Hyoma insisted.
“Ohhh… Hyoma-kun, really…” she murmured, quite sad of Hyoma’s reply.
Then silence broke to the atmosphere. Everybody waited for each other to talk. Finally, Kosuka talked, asking Shizuku something.
“Hey, where is Koyuzawa?” Kosuka asked Shizuku.
“I dunno.”
“Koyuzawa? A new person, perhaps?” Hyoma guessed out.
Both Shizuku and Kosuka nodded, including Hayatemaru. That got Hyoma even curious, believing that it is someone as weird as them.
“Huh? What are you nodding for, Hayate?” Hyoma asked curiously, waiting for an answer intently.
“HAH! You fell for it!” Hayatemaru shouted.
This, at hand, created big question marks above their heads. All members who heard this were confused and looked at Hayatemaru sharply, hoping that it was not a joke.
“Uh… just joking! Come on, laugh!” Hayatemaru told them, disappointing everybody else.
Shizuku slapped Hayatemaru with her Fan paper sword very hardly.
PAK!!!
Hayatemaru fainted due to impact.
“Wow, Shizuku! You rock!” commented Kosuka proudly.
“Good for him!” Hyoma said gratefully.
__________________
Dude.. I really like Red Mages..

--------
Like the Sand King of Chaos..

Time to bury some fools,
My tail, my claws,
Such good destruction tools!

My only way to live - KILLING
And enemies shall do my bidding,
But they go crazy, roll around, smearing.

I, the Sand King, will live forever,
But does that matter?
I will crush everything, As fast as the wind sever!


I am now AVERAGE! YES!!
theroninguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-22-2011, 08:14 AM   #6
theroninguy
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Uhh... I will continue this if someone will comment at least.
__________________
Dude.. I really like Red Mages..

--------
Like the Sand King of Chaos..

Time to bury some fools,
My tail, my claws,
Such good destruction tools!

My only way to live - KILLING
And enemies shall do my bidding,
But they go crazy, roll around, smearing.

I, the Sand King, will live forever,
But does that matter?
I will crush everything, As fast as the wind sever!


I am now AVERAGE! YES!!
theroninguy is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 10-22-2011, 08:42 AM   #7
louis theroux fan01
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It reads more like a play because it's so dialogue heavy. I don't like the character profiles because they kind of wreck the pacing, and I think the characters would be enhanced if we learnt about them through the main narrative as opposed to a bunch of asides which are kind of clumsily interspersed throughout the beginning.

Just my opinion of course. It's alright - I'll keep reading.
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Old 10-22-2011, 10:58 AM   #8
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I feel like this would look quite bad *** if you converted this onto renpy. (It's a program that makes you be able to create visual novels. It's so awsume!)
I think you could use some more description, like describe the setting better or how Hyoma feels in more detail. So far I like the two female leads, their pretty kick ***. =3
__________________
You're sufficiently fortified to kick some as- ehem...to boot these creatures' nether regions"



Watch Makai Tales on my youtube acount!
http://www.youtube.com/user/AniseChi


The road to happiness is a long one....

Even if your arms and legs are broken and you can't move. You can never give up! Thats just my style *Sparkle sparkle*

No giving in and no giving up! Go for it all the way!
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Old 10-22-2011, 02:45 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ChiiKimono View Post
I feel like this would look quite bad *** if you converted this onto renpy. (It's a program that makes you be able to create visual novels. It's so awsume!)
I think you could use some more description, like describe the setting better or how Hyoma feels in more detail. So far I like the two female leads, their pretty kick ***. =3
If it were to be a visual novel, wouldn't it need backgrounds/character pics/music? o.O
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Old 10-23-2011, 04:40 AM   #10
theroninguy
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RENPY? Tell me more about this.
---
So should I remove these character profiles?
I was assuming that without them, the reader might complain who the hell they are. LOL.
__________________
Dude.. I really like Red Mages..

--------
Like the Sand King of Chaos..

Time to bury some fools,
My tail, my claws,
Such good destruction tools!

My only way to live - KILLING
And enemies shall do my bidding,
But they go crazy, roll around, smearing.

I, the Sand King, will live forever,
But does that matter?
I will crush everything, As fast as the wind sever!


I am now AVERAGE! YES!!
theroninguy is offline   Reply With Quote
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